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[Mar. 21st, 2004|06:01 am] |
i'm writing this anonymously because i can never face the truth with someone. i am tormented by thoughts and wishes of dying and have made some terrible terrible maistakes in the past that only make matters worse. when i was very young many people did very bad things to me. one of the ways i got back at them was to eat. the other was to take things that didn't belong to me. when did hurting myself become a good way to retaliate?
the worst part is i am now in trouble for the mistakes i've made. each and every time i worked for someone who abuse me (yelled at me, called me stupid, humiliated me in front of clients, etc.) i started taking things from them. at first it was pencils, then it was time (like hours and hours on the internet or phone), then it was bigger things like office supplies (a dictionary, a software program that wasn't being used, etc.) the guilt i felt was relatively the same no matter what the size of the item was i took (taking a pencil or spending an hour surfing the web for fun felt as bad as taking something larger).
the bad thing was, as I grew older, my ability to see the difference between these smaller crimes and larger ones became difficult to see. and now i am on probation for taking money that wasn't mine.
i have spent years and years doing volunteer work for my church and yet only a few ex friends know and now they don't speak to me. i just woke up from another nightmare about them--that they had banded together and have started a petition to "publicize" what i did and inform everyone i know in an effort to "warn" them. many people in my church look up to me as i have become a leader that many love, but there are so many who would love to see me taken down a peg or two (or worse). they think that all my service work is for self-aggrandizement, when in reality it's because i'm desperately trying to find redemption and self-worth any where i can get it. i generally feel like such a worthless person that i do any good deed, take on any project, give and give and give (way beyond what others can give or what is healthy) just to get enough approval going that i could stave off suicide for one more day.
i wish i could be different, wish i didn't have cult-abuse as a child, wish i had made better choices, but the sad truth is i didn't. i have to find a way to self-love or i will die and that would hurt a lot of wonderful people including my daughter who don't deserve it. |
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